issues to consider

In 1 day I’ll be out of here and for 2 nights I already can’t sleep because of some kind of stress. In the last 6 months, I forgot how stress creates these chilly voids on the inside of my chest and stomach.. more in the stomach. It’s some kind of excitement and restlessness mixed together that make me want to go out and run towards East, looking in the rising sun at 6am. I like how the morning sun feels warm on my eyelids while rest of my parts are still cold: cold feet, cold thighs, cold hands, cold shoulders, cold ear lids, cold cheeks and the back starts to sweat but if I touch it, the skin still feels cold. One of the best 6 months of my life... if not the best of all... I can’t stop saying “thank you” in my mind. “Thank you” became a mantra in the last 3 weeks. After so many “whys”. I didn’t find the answers but I feel at peace without answers. I have different answers now. It’s nice to know that people will miss me when I’ll be gone, it’s nice to be needed, it’s nice to be noticed, to matter, to have an impact with my existence.

Then frustration. Playing music and drawing. What I could have been and I am not, what I used to be and I am not anymore. They don’t feel like unfulfilled holes in me anymore. I had time to understand and become at ease with all that I am and all that I can be. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone anymore.

I still have a worry though. I worry that I will become soon self-sufficient and feelingless towards people. I am attached in different degrees to many of them right now but I feel I have control over my feelings. They could be pushed away from my heart without pulling me down on the way out. No more crawling on the ground for a little more affection or attention. I think it’s true that “what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger” as cliche as it sounds. Everything is a new challenge and I learn and I learn and I learn and eventually I’ll die happy... at anytime. I’m comfortable with death though still a bit afraid of the unknown in it. I’m afraid death is like the wind on the beach and all I have had achieved in this life would be the sand that’s blown.


Meaningless. The fear of a meaningless existence. It will probably destroy me once. I believe I can change the world and that is not reasonable at all. I do “try anything to escape [my] meaningless and [my] insignificance” and that keeps me going at a high speed that consumes very fast the resources of this body I’m hosted in.

Far away, this ship is taking me far away,
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
A starlight, I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
My life, you electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

Our hopes and expectations: black holes and revelations.



I need plenty of extreme emotions so that I won’t be bored because boredom is what annoys me the most. I need to do something at any time or I feel my muscles involuntarily contracting in restlessness. I’m hyperactive and unable to focus. The gym helps with that. But sometimes it drives me crazy that I don’t have patience to read more than a page and most of all, I don’t have patience to listen to people if their ideas are not stirring any new challenge in my own thoughts. I don’t know how to listen. I always had troubles with that. I assume I already know what people want to say when they start the phrase and while my mind shifts to other things, my attention drifts away to rather observe the movement of their lips when they pronounce words. I am aware I am wrong when I do that because I deform reality, I perceive things in a wrong way and I make judgements based on my own imagination instead of the real fact. I still try to deal with it. And it doesn’t happen all the time.


I was boasting the other day about how I don’t have an addictive personality because I don’t drink and I don’t smoke and I always get bored after trying things once or twice and eventually move forward onto other experiences. That is bullshit! Addictive personality means something else, you silly!