“the whole world n I would miss u”

I'm crying like a fool because I feel so helpless in making you feel better. You are right, I don't know you anymore, I don't know anything about your life anymore. And still... I'm crying like a fool because I wish you could be happy..

Why do you look for explanations and reasoning to excuse your misery instead of trying to find real hapiness? Do you really think this is the most of hapiness you deserve or that exists for you? So that you stopped looking for more? Then where is that smile I used to see on your face? Why do you like to play the victim all the time? Do you think you get more attention when you cry than when you are happy? Where is the fighter in you? Is it worth to pay with so many tears 3 or 4 moments of happiness spent with someone who is too selfish to care for you at all?

But I'm probably just a fool who doesnt know you anymore and maybe I should just stop trying to understand you and your ways... and I should stop crying because probably it's not that bad if you still don't want to leave that place..

back to the thing called...

Love is the only thing I can't give to myself. And only someone independent, free and strong can give me that.. someone who can live next to me and not through me, someone who can breathe with me and not the air from my lungs, someone who can live with or without me but would like my company. She shouldn’t drag along, or cling to my leg, want me to save her or try to save me, she shouldn’t be dependent on me in any way. She should just love me because I deserve it, not because she’s emotionally hooked to what I can offer. If a woman like this doesn’t exist then I’ll be fine on my own. I'm not confortable with surrogates and there are other forms of love that can bring hapiness. Less selfish even (some of them)...

"you're the monkey I got on my back... that tells me to shine"

I don't like it when people get too close to me anymore. They just ruin my balance. And poor them, it's not even their fault. I know it's me the one who should keep en garde and know for sure where it should stop, where to place the limit.

It still bugs me big time the fact that if I want to sleep with someone, i give them more room than if they are people i don't feel attracted to.. it doesn't seem too fair. In the same time it's so primitive and instinctual. Shouldn't I repress that if I pretend to be an evolved human being instead of a monkey with a dick sitting in a tree? I don't want instincts to rule my life and make my decisions.. but can it be different?

priviledged my ass!

I am frustrated, hate it all, this moment, this life this struggle that makes no sense... I have no credit for my phone, no food in my fridge and no money in my pockets. What do I do in this big city like a beggar? I am a beggar and I work a fulltime job, I am a beggar that doesn't even have the priviledge of freedom.. I stay in that fucking prison all day long, with my fat ass on that fucking chair, with my eyes alienated in that fucking screen.. I feed corporations to go on with their exploitation, I feed greedy mouths of those who think they found god cos of the bmw parked in their garage. And if I want to make a useful thing.. I don't have time for that, not anymore.. and if I find time, I don't have anymore energy to do it and end up crying of frustration. again frustration, frustration frustration frustration... this word I hate so much!

I sound like a teenager, I know but I can't imagine my life like this.. I can't imagine myself in this fucked up prison.. I'd rather die die die die die die.

If this is life, please kill me god. I keep on waiting for that car to hit me on my ride to work... and bang! Mom please don't cry too bad..

burst

When will you all understand that I don't have a problem with working?!?!?! I only have a problem with being institutionalized. Stop telling me that everyone has a job and that's the way it is!!! Because it shouldn't be like that... my life shouldn't be 9to5 in a prison..

I'm not lazy, I just dont like capitalist structures!

Uf!

schindler's list

I erased the list of credits, I was wrong. Lists are another way of boxing people... things are not as rigid as I sometimes imagine them and relationships are fluid and interweave in weird ways that I will never be able to organize in my "square" mind. It's so hard to let go of boxes and drawers and "straight" lines...

I am a prejudiced human being.. I judge, I box, I am selfish and I'm mean.. I wish I'd be perfect instead.

issues to consider

In 1 day I’ll be out of here and for 2 nights I already can’t sleep because of some kind of stress. In the last 6 months, I forgot how stress creates these chilly voids on the inside of my chest and stomach.. more in the stomach. It’s some kind of excitement and restlessness mixed together that make me want to go out and run towards East, looking in the rising sun at 6am. I like how the morning sun feels warm on my eyelids while rest of my parts are still cold: cold feet, cold thighs, cold hands, cold shoulders, cold ear lids, cold cheeks and the back starts to sweat but if I touch it, the skin still feels cold. One of the best 6 months of my life... if not the best of all... I can’t stop saying “thank you” in my mind. “Thank you” became a mantra in the last 3 weeks. After so many “whys”. I didn’t find the answers but I feel at peace without answers. I have different answers now. It’s nice to know that people will miss me when I’ll be gone, it’s nice to be needed, it’s nice to be noticed, to matter, to have an impact with my existence.

Then frustration. Playing music and drawing. What I could have been and I am not, what I used to be and I am not anymore. They don’t feel like unfulfilled holes in me anymore. I had time to understand and become at ease with all that I am and all that I can be. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone anymore.

I still have a worry though. I worry that I will become soon self-sufficient and feelingless towards people. I am attached in different degrees to many of them right now but I feel I have control over my feelings. They could be pushed away from my heart without pulling me down on the way out. No more crawling on the ground for a little more affection or attention. I think it’s true that “what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger” as cliche as it sounds. Everything is a new challenge and I learn and I learn and I learn and eventually I’ll die happy... at anytime. I’m comfortable with death though still a bit afraid of the unknown in it. I’m afraid death is like the wind on the beach and all I have had achieved in this life would be the sand that’s blown.


Meaningless. The fear of a meaningless existence. It will probably destroy me once. I believe I can change the world and that is not reasonable at all. I do “try anything to escape [my] meaningless and [my] insignificance” and that keeps me going at a high speed that consumes very fast the resources of this body I’m hosted in.

Far away, this ship is taking me far away,
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
A starlight, I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
My life, you electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

Our hopes and expectations: black holes and revelations.



I need plenty of extreme emotions so that I won’t be bored because boredom is what annoys me the most. I need to do something at any time or I feel my muscles involuntarily contracting in restlessness. I’m hyperactive and unable to focus. The gym helps with that. But sometimes it drives me crazy that I don’t have patience to read more than a page and most of all, I don’t have patience to listen to people if their ideas are not stirring any new challenge in my own thoughts. I don’t know how to listen. I always had troubles with that. I assume I already know what people want to say when they start the phrase and while my mind shifts to other things, my attention drifts away to rather observe the movement of their lips when they pronounce words. I am aware I am wrong when I do that because I deform reality, I perceive things in a wrong way and I make judgements based on my own imagination instead of the real fact. I still try to deal with it. And it doesn’t happen all the time.


I was boasting the other day about how I don’t have an addictive personality because I don’t drink and I don’t smoke and I always get bored after trying things once or twice and eventually move forward onto other experiences. That is bullshit! Addictive personality means something else, you silly!