“the whole world n I would miss u”

I'm crying like a fool because I feel so helpless in making you feel better. You are right, I don't know you anymore, I don't know anything about your life anymore. And still... I'm crying like a fool because I wish you could be happy..

Why do you look for explanations and reasoning to excuse your misery instead of trying to find real hapiness? Do you really think this is the most of hapiness you deserve or that exists for you? So that you stopped looking for more? Then where is that smile I used to see on your face? Why do you like to play the victim all the time? Do you think you get more attention when you cry than when you are happy? Where is the fighter in you? Is it worth to pay with so many tears 3 or 4 moments of happiness spent with someone who is too selfish to care for you at all?

But I'm probably just a fool who doesnt know you anymore and maybe I should just stop trying to understand you and your ways... and I should stop crying because probably it's not that bad if you still don't want to leave that place..

back to the thing called...

Love is the only thing I can't give to myself. And only someone independent, free and strong can give me that.. someone who can live next to me and not through me, someone who can breathe with me and not the air from my lungs, someone who can live with or without me but would like my company. She shouldn’t drag along, or cling to my leg, want me to save her or try to save me, she shouldn’t be dependent on me in any way. She should just love me because I deserve it, not because she’s emotionally hooked to what I can offer. If a woman like this doesn’t exist then I’ll be fine on my own. I'm not confortable with surrogates and there are other forms of love that can bring hapiness. Less selfish even (some of them)...

"you're the monkey I got on my back... that tells me to shine"

I don't like it when people get too close to me anymore. They just ruin my balance. And poor them, it's not even their fault. I know it's me the one who should keep en garde and know for sure where it should stop, where to place the limit.

It still bugs me big time the fact that if I want to sleep with someone, i give them more room than if they are people i don't feel attracted to.. it doesn't seem too fair. In the same time it's so primitive and instinctual. Shouldn't I repress that if I pretend to be an evolved human being instead of a monkey with a dick sitting in a tree? I don't want instincts to rule my life and make my decisions.. but can it be different?