“the whole world n I would miss u”

I'm crying like a fool because I feel so helpless in making you feel better. You are right, I don't know you anymore, I don't know anything about your life anymore. And still... I'm crying like a fool because I wish you could be happy..

Why do you look for explanations and reasoning to excuse your misery instead of trying to find real hapiness? Do you really think this is the most of hapiness you deserve or that exists for you? So that you stopped looking for more? Then where is that smile I used to see on your face? Why do you like to play the victim all the time? Do you think you get more attention when you cry than when you are happy? Where is the fighter in you? Is it worth to pay with so many tears 3 or 4 moments of happiness spent with someone who is too selfish to care for you at all?

But I'm probably just a fool who doesnt know you anymore and maybe I should just stop trying to understand you and your ways... and I should stop crying because probably it's not that bad if you still don't want to leave that place..

back to the thing called...

Love is the only thing I can't give to myself. And only someone independent, free and strong can give me that.. someone who can live next to me and not through me, someone who can breathe with me and not the air from my lungs, someone who can live with or without me but would like my company. She shouldn’t drag along, or cling to my leg, want me to save her or try to save me, she shouldn’t be dependent on me in any way. She should just love me because I deserve it, not because she’s emotionally hooked to what I can offer. If a woman like this doesn’t exist then I’ll be fine on my own. I'm not confortable with surrogates and there are other forms of love that can bring hapiness. Less selfish even (some of them)...

"you're the monkey I got on my back... that tells me to shine"

I don't like it when people get too close to me anymore. They just ruin my balance. And poor them, it's not even their fault. I know it's me the one who should keep en garde and know for sure where it should stop, where to place the limit.

It still bugs me big time the fact that if I want to sleep with someone, i give them more room than if they are people i don't feel attracted to.. it doesn't seem too fair. In the same time it's so primitive and instinctual. Shouldn't I repress that if I pretend to be an evolved human being instead of a monkey with a dick sitting in a tree? I don't want instincts to rule my life and make my decisions.. but can it be different?

priviledged my ass!

I am frustrated, hate it all, this moment, this life this struggle that makes no sense... I have no credit for my phone, no food in my fridge and no money in my pockets. What do I do in this big city like a beggar? I am a beggar and I work a fulltime job, I am a beggar that doesn't even have the priviledge of freedom.. I stay in that fucking prison all day long, with my fat ass on that fucking chair, with my eyes alienated in that fucking screen.. I feed corporations to go on with their exploitation, I feed greedy mouths of those who think they found god cos of the bmw parked in their garage. And if I want to make a useful thing.. I don't have time for that, not anymore.. and if I find time, I don't have anymore energy to do it and end up crying of frustration. again frustration, frustration frustration frustration... this word I hate so much!

I sound like a teenager, I know but I can't imagine my life like this.. I can't imagine myself in this fucked up prison.. I'd rather die die die die die die.

If this is life, please kill me god. I keep on waiting for that car to hit me on my ride to work... and bang! Mom please don't cry too bad..

burst

When will you all understand that I don't have a problem with working?!?!?! I only have a problem with being institutionalized. Stop telling me that everyone has a job and that's the way it is!!! Because it shouldn't be like that... my life shouldn't be 9to5 in a prison..

I'm not lazy, I just dont like capitalist structures!

Uf!

schindler's list

I erased the list of credits, I was wrong. Lists are another way of boxing people... things are not as rigid as I sometimes imagine them and relationships are fluid and interweave in weird ways that I will never be able to organize in my "square" mind. It's so hard to let go of boxes and drawers and "straight" lines...

I am a prejudiced human being.. I judge, I box, I am selfish and I'm mean.. I wish I'd be perfect instead.

issues to consider

In 1 day I’ll be out of here and for 2 nights I already can’t sleep because of some kind of stress. In the last 6 months, I forgot how stress creates these chilly voids on the inside of my chest and stomach.. more in the stomach. It’s some kind of excitement and restlessness mixed together that make me want to go out and run towards East, looking in the rising sun at 6am. I like how the morning sun feels warm on my eyelids while rest of my parts are still cold: cold feet, cold thighs, cold hands, cold shoulders, cold ear lids, cold cheeks and the back starts to sweat but if I touch it, the skin still feels cold. One of the best 6 months of my life... if not the best of all... I can’t stop saying “thank you” in my mind. “Thank you” became a mantra in the last 3 weeks. After so many “whys”. I didn’t find the answers but I feel at peace without answers. I have different answers now. It’s nice to know that people will miss me when I’ll be gone, it’s nice to be needed, it’s nice to be noticed, to matter, to have an impact with my existence.

Then frustration. Playing music and drawing. What I could have been and I am not, what I used to be and I am not anymore. They don’t feel like unfulfilled holes in me anymore. I had time to understand and become at ease with all that I am and all that I can be. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone anymore.

I still have a worry though. I worry that I will become soon self-sufficient and feelingless towards people. I am attached in different degrees to many of them right now but I feel I have control over my feelings. They could be pushed away from my heart without pulling me down on the way out. No more crawling on the ground for a little more affection or attention. I think it’s true that “what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger” as cliche as it sounds. Everything is a new challenge and I learn and I learn and I learn and eventually I’ll die happy... at anytime. I’m comfortable with death though still a bit afraid of the unknown in it. I’m afraid death is like the wind on the beach and all I have had achieved in this life would be the sand that’s blown.


Meaningless. The fear of a meaningless existence. It will probably destroy me once. I believe I can change the world and that is not reasonable at all. I do “try anything to escape [my] meaningless and [my] insignificance” and that keeps me going at a high speed that consumes very fast the resources of this body I’m hosted in.

Far away, this ship is taking me far away,
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
A starlight, I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
My life, you electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

Our hopes and expectations: black holes and revelations.



I need plenty of extreme emotions so that I won’t be bored because boredom is what annoys me the most. I need to do something at any time or I feel my muscles involuntarily contracting in restlessness. I’m hyperactive and unable to focus. The gym helps with that. But sometimes it drives me crazy that I don’t have patience to read more than a page and most of all, I don’t have patience to listen to people if their ideas are not stirring any new challenge in my own thoughts. I don’t know how to listen. I always had troubles with that. I assume I already know what people want to say when they start the phrase and while my mind shifts to other things, my attention drifts away to rather observe the movement of their lips when they pronounce words. I am aware I am wrong when I do that because I deform reality, I perceive things in a wrong way and I make judgements based on my own imagination instead of the real fact. I still try to deal with it. And it doesn’t happen all the time.


I was boasting the other day about how I don’t have an addictive personality because I don’t drink and I don’t smoke and I always get bored after trying things once or twice and eventually move forward onto other experiences. That is bullshit! Addictive personality means something else, you silly!

living on the run

I like to be foreign. I like foreign places. I like sleepless cities. I like to blend in a busy crowd. I like hotels. I like the tension of a soundless room. I like to stretch in double beds. I like warm rooms, hot water, upper levels, tidiness. I like big windows without blinds. I like hotel night bars, and I like couches in those bars. I like my lonely thoughts sometimes. I like hearing words that I don’t know, background sounds, see little lights from cabs outside, or faces I don’t recognize. I like feeling lost in a space I can’t define; lost in a language I don’t know... in translation! ...like Charlotte. But above all, I would like to meet you there. We’d have fun.

Maybe I’ll wait for you next time.

Prostitution... give them all a share of it!

I was eagerly preparing to read an article entitled “Romanian Authorities promise to legalize prostitution”. I was comforted, somehow, to find that title, and amazed at how fast Romania is progressing in promoting Human Rights, even if it joined the European Union only 3 months ago. The topic of prostitution and whether it should be legalized in Romania has been brought up for discussion before. This generated heated exchanges between antagonist parties everywhere in the media, the Orthodox Church and its followers being the chief opponents of legalization. Well, I must say that in a society where sexuality is still not tackled enough as a subject of discussion even between partners; where sexual education in schools is still often approached in biological terms of how humans “breed”; where “sexual and reproductive rights” is a neologism that most people have never heard about; where sexual orientation is considered by many a “politically correct” disguise of “perversion”, and where a big part of the heterosexual population believe that they are immune to HIV because they aren’t gay - yes, Romania doesn’t seem to be ready for such a legislative “liberalization” of commercial sex.

So I was indeed surprised to read that this initiative came directly from the Government and that the Romanian Minister of Internal Affairs declared loudly that “prostitution has to be legalized” and mentioned how the General Police Department has already been working on this project for a year. The question that immediately popped into my head was: “Do they really care so much? Is this Government the one that wants to ‘make a change’?” But I was probably the only one to imagine that there was any juxtaposition between Human Rights and this legislative initiative. Now I must say that since I learnt how human trafficking from Eastern to Western Europe intensified after prostitution was legalized in several EU countries, my enthusiasm towards considering that legalization necessarily helps end the sexual exploitation of women kind of dimmed out. But still, if well considered, I think it might be one of the good steps towards educating the Romanian society that sex workers are no less human than any other one of us and that they deserve access to services, institutions and equality as much as workers from any other industry do. Legalization can represent in Romania an official acknowledgement and taking on of responsibility for this phenomenon at all levels of society. It should reflect a desire on the part of authorities to address the issue as a reality that concerns us all and not only the underground where it is currently marginalized by illegality and social stigma. The official recognition of human rights issues and implementing legal measures to curb abuses are part of the work that must be done by society towards change.

Unfortunately, the whole manner in which such subjects are approached in Romanian media will kill any feminist enthusiasm from the get-go; in this case the sexist tone is set by the first sentence of the article: “Good news for bachelors...” Leaving that aside for now, I will just attempt to analyze the reasons given by the Romanian government official when presenting his case, and the general tactic of trivializing this problem that ultimately, whether one is aware or not, costs lives. Minister Vasile Blaga starts with the statement that “prostitution has to be legalized [...] because ‘the girls’ are gathering hundreds of fines that they never pay”. He also insists to mention several times how “among the advantages of legalizing prostitution is the huge profit that the state would make – estimated at around half billion euros annually”. The media extends the emphasis on the financial aspect by providing us with numbers gathered by the Police Department during the year; numbers that refer to hundreds of fines collected by illegal sex workers: “they are setting back the budget by hundreds of millions of dollars”. And to make it all spectacular... or maybe entertaining... we even get to read a little enumeration of a few workers who hold records in fines and yet are back on the streets – in a joking tone that I still can’t figure out what is supposed to suggest. There is no mention of human trafficking, of violence against women, of the rights and safety of sex workers, their integrity and dignity. No mention of the factors that determine these people to earn their living by practicing an illegal and dangerous activity or of the health and safety risks they are exposed to. No mention of all the other issues related to the bigger picture of a world where sexual exploitation, drug addiction, homelessness and poverty are all chained in a web from which - in most cases - death represents the only way out. No mention of any of the real issues that are behind this phenomenon. And since the voices of those chosen to represent and lead the country, along with the media, can afford to be amused or joke about this issue, should it be any wonder that the only plausible premise for legalization of prostitution in Romania is the financial one, namely the profits the state might gain from it? Even though the reality that forces societies to change legislations and mentalities around prostitution is exactly the desire to end abuse and create a safer space for those who sell sex, the Romanian government is mainly concerned about how the state could better profit from sexual exploitation and presents the issue to the public opinion in a diverted, amused tone.

In such a context, if prostitution does become legal, I can easily imagine that the change it will bring to Romanian society will probably have nothing to do either with Human Rights, care and protection of those afflicted or with changing mentalities, ending abuse and sexism, but rather with changing the name of the abuser who collects the taxes. And since the money will go to the state budget that big segments of society benefit from, maybe the general opinion will say “yes to legalization” and happily claim their share of this dirty profit brought by abuse and exploitation.

no recess

Sometimes I have these moments when I just want my mind to pause, to lie down and relax: not to draw shapes, thoughts and ideas, not to analyze or focus, not to listen, not to move, nor imagine, or confront, neither to care... i want to stop. Pause in a little moment of emptiness. I want to be relaxed without guilt pointing at my face. I want to be enough for once..


Today we got my plane ticket to Romania: 2nd of April 2007; my name spelled wrong again – I must say that is a genuine combination that I haven’t seen before, 5 letters taken by 5... there still are plenty of combinations left...

Hmm... I don’t know why my ticket is with a month later return to Dublin though. Is that a little escaping door that fate left open for me... or do they really want me back by may? :P

...t-t-turnaround

I’m glad I didn’t run away and I’m glad I didn’t do as planned yesterday. Should I be afraid to say? I don’t know but I’m happy I didn’t give it up. I like this now and i also seem to like what comes out of it; tonight I was impressed to see it’s not just the skin that’s soft but also the first dig into the core seems to be more then I expected. If I’d have patience, it could mould into a nice connection that I might not feel the need to define, box, shape, size, imagine, hope or dream. I will just quietly add another and another piece as long as I’m content with what I see.

I promised I’d bare in mind all the past; when what I wanted dried my lips then drowned me in sadness. I will not forget, I will struggle not to let go, not again, not the same, not one more time.

schizophrenia

I: Ok, this constant incapability to take hold of these unrealistic feelings is really irritating me. I just drag myself down into uneasiness again and again like an addict who can’t help touching the killing substance, while totally aware it will only lead to a destructive end.

7: You know there’s always a catch if you fall in love! A fucking cancer, a tumour that bites you from inside-out! It’s the drug that first makes you high and then worthless and useless! You worked at this for over 6 months; you built back confidence, self-respect... happiness! You’re chasing ghosts again, fucker! No one can love you that way, it’s not for you, you’re not good enough for anyone, you’re just a piece of dirt on a muddy boot! And now you cry...

I: I don’t want to go back in that... please God give me strength to let it go... please keep me safe, please help me control myself... please stop my imagining and hoping and dreaming... please stop...

7: You shouldn’t have started it in the first place! You’re going down again just like you did before that summer. And you know what the cynicism in it is? - you can’t let it go because you always hope for something to be different and finally for a happy ending.

coolness

Incep sa fiu satula de lucrurile de aici. Ma bucur ca proiectul nu este de fapt mai lung de 6 luni.

Ieri in club in Dublin iar m-am distrat aproape de una singura. E putin penibil. In ceea ce priveste fetele, incep sa cred ca singura bariera care exista este creata de mine si constituie distanta pe care o pastrez fata de ele pentru ca ma simt inconfortabil sa imi exprim atractia fata de cineva. Nu imi dau seama daca este timiditate sau doar neincredere in mine. De fiecare data, primul lucru pe care il aud in mintea mea este: “ce ar putea sa ii placa la tine?, you’re weird, you’re not cool, you’re not sexy, you’re no fun!”.

Ma simt tot mai alienata de mediul social si din ce in ce mai mult ca un freak neadaptat. Stau ancorata intr-un univers care a devenit spatiul safe in care prefer sa ma retrag atunci cand mediul exterior este inconfortabil. La fel atunci cand exista o tensiune intre ceea ce asvrea sa exprim si ceea ce exprim de fapt. Mi-am format un sistem de gandire incompatibil cu realitatea. A fi weird, diferit, original si spontan era cool in mediul in care am crescut si atunci gustam libertatea de a nu trebui sa ma prefac. Ma simt inhibata de dorinta mea de a fi cool, de a fi placuta si apreciata. Ma simt frustrata de incapacitatea de a ma face cool, placuta si apreciata pentru ca nu vreau nici sa devin cineva pe care sa nu mai recunosc. As vrea ca ei sa ma placa asa cum sunt... sau sa imi placa lucrurile care pentru ei sunt cool. Am obosit si simt ca am pierdut ritmul trend-ului.

feminism “made in China”

I have a friend who just returned from 3 weeks in New Zealand. Together with tons of stories and beautiful pictures of forests, mountains and valleys, she brought me a little feminist magazine: MUSE - “a Wellington based zine that aims to provide space for the voices of young feminist women in Aotearoa New Zealand”. Reading it was almost a mystical experience as it seems so foreign and exotic to know that this little fanzine comes from this far-away land that I didn’t actually know anything about. So I am kind of having first hand experience with certain issues that I usually only mention as general theoretical facts (like “rest of the world” or “Asia”) and don’t really have knowledge about. I realize more and more how European-centered I have grown. I realize how my open-mindness is still shyly buzzing under a thick blanket of self-centrism, self-importance, and self-indulgence, by now already arrived as “intrinsic” in our western civilization. The struggles expressed by women writing articles in MUSE are not only geographically on the other side of the planet but also poles apart from what we struggle with. And I realize that my fight for equality and justice can, without any intent or knowledge, easily become an enemy to the fight for equality and justice of other women situated in these “far away” foreign places. Like a butterfly effect... caused mostly by lack of awareness of these “exotic” experiences, cultures and political views.

One of them talks about how Asian women’s experience in feminist spaces has often been entirely focused on the analysis of sex and gender and how they often felt that “the dynamic between non-white women and white women is not talked about much”. Also how “even less discussed is the impact that liberal white women’s rights have had [and probably still do have] on non-white women”.

For example, one important western feminist issue is the fight for women’s right to work outside the home. I always considered that one of the core issues of feminism that contributes to the end of women’s exploitation. Honestly, it never occurred to me that this may not be a common international issue and approach of feminism. And it could apply to our white (western) society and culture, but that doesn’t make it global. And I read now how “[Asian women] may not be fighting for [their] right to work outside the home, because many of [them] already do” that for a long time: they work in factories in minimum wage jobs. Some clean white rich people’s houses since liberation of white women had taken them out to work together with men.

And sometimes our white judgemental minds raise an eyebrow at the sound of a feminist woman not supporting that core fight of equality. Even if she comes from a different culture or geographic region, I wonder how many of us care to understand her reasons for not considering our goals and fights an example of good practice. Instead of listening, many of us would feel offended by such remarks and just shut down their enthusiasm towards her and her “far away” issues that won’t make sense.

Now I’m thinking of how many times I checked the labels of the products I bought and found written on them the familiar “Made in China”, or other Asian countries that I might not even know where to locate on the map. It’s true that lately every time I read that, I have in my mind some dramatic picture of women that are exploited by a system that cares more about industry then people. A lot of them are probably working for under wage so that I can be happy to buy a “cheap” pair of socks, or shoes or a t-shirt.

The whole Europe is blooming with such products. We buy those things because they are “cheap”, or because we don’t make political statements when we’re out shopping, or we believe that encourages capitalist growth in developing countries; sometimes because they are the only option on the market or maybe we just can’t give them up ...and that’s it! But outrageously disgusting is to check the labels of the clothes in the big corporations’ stores... for example, the clothes we buy at exorbitant prices and are still made through exploitation of those Asian (mostly) women that might not be “feminist enough” for us when tackling politics. I wonder how many of the white feminists from the Western world check the labels of the products they want to buy. And how many decide not to buy them anymore because “they care for a better world for women”... and after all, for how many “that world” includes “ALL WOMEN”.

Then, “in the quest for equal gender opportunities within the workplace, I would question whether the mission for some white feminist women is to join white men on the capitalist ladder of privilege and monetary gain, as opposed to challenging the power held by mainly rich white men and exerted over women of all ethnicities as well as poor people across the world”.


“For me as a queer Asian woman living in Aotearoa, resisting assimilation, actively resisting racism and white supremacy, challenging class elitism, dismantling capitalism that degrades people and the land, and decolonizing myself and my community are all feminist issues.”

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