living on the run

I like to be foreign. I like foreign places. I like sleepless cities. I like to blend in a busy crowd. I like hotels. I like the tension of a soundless room. I like to stretch in double beds. I like warm rooms, hot water, upper levels, tidiness. I like big windows without blinds. I like hotel night bars, and I like couches in those bars. I like my lonely thoughts sometimes. I like hearing words that I don’t know, background sounds, see little lights from cabs outside, or faces I don’t recognize. I like feeling lost in a space I can’t define; lost in a language I don’t know... in translation! ...like Charlotte. But above all, I would like to meet you there. We’d have fun.

Maybe I’ll wait for you next time.

Prostitution... give them all a share of it!

I was eagerly preparing to read an article entitled “Romanian Authorities promise to legalize prostitution”. I was comforted, somehow, to find that title, and amazed at how fast Romania is progressing in promoting Human Rights, even if it joined the European Union only 3 months ago. The topic of prostitution and whether it should be legalized in Romania has been brought up for discussion before. This generated heated exchanges between antagonist parties everywhere in the media, the Orthodox Church and its followers being the chief opponents of legalization. Well, I must say that in a society where sexuality is still not tackled enough as a subject of discussion even between partners; where sexual education in schools is still often approached in biological terms of how humans “breed”; where “sexual and reproductive rights” is a neologism that most people have never heard about; where sexual orientation is considered by many a “politically correct” disguise of “perversion”, and where a big part of the heterosexual population believe that they are immune to HIV because they aren’t gay - yes, Romania doesn’t seem to be ready for such a legislative “liberalization” of commercial sex.

So I was indeed surprised to read that this initiative came directly from the Government and that the Romanian Minister of Internal Affairs declared loudly that “prostitution has to be legalized” and mentioned how the General Police Department has already been working on this project for a year. The question that immediately popped into my head was: “Do they really care so much? Is this Government the one that wants to ‘make a change’?” But I was probably the only one to imagine that there was any juxtaposition between Human Rights and this legislative initiative. Now I must say that since I learnt how human trafficking from Eastern to Western Europe intensified after prostitution was legalized in several EU countries, my enthusiasm towards considering that legalization necessarily helps end the sexual exploitation of women kind of dimmed out. But still, if well considered, I think it might be one of the good steps towards educating the Romanian society that sex workers are no less human than any other one of us and that they deserve access to services, institutions and equality as much as workers from any other industry do. Legalization can represent in Romania an official acknowledgement and taking on of responsibility for this phenomenon at all levels of society. It should reflect a desire on the part of authorities to address the issue as a reality that concerns us all and not only the underground where it is currently marginalized by illegality and social stigma. The official recognition of human rights issues and implementing legal measures to curb abuses are part of the work that must be done by society towards change.

Unfortunately, the whole manner in which such subjects are approached in Romanian media will kill any feminist enthusiasm from the get-go; in this case the sexist tone is set by the first sentence of the article: “Good news for bachelors...” Leaving that aside for now, I will just attempt to analyze the reasons given by the Romanian government official when presenting his case, and the general tactic of trivializing this problem that ultimately, whether one is aware or not, costs lives. Minister Vasile Blaga starts with the statement that “prostitution has to be legalized [...] because ‘the girls’ are gathering hundreds of fines that they never pay”. He also insists to mention several times how “among the advantages of legalizing prostitution is the huge profit that the state would make – estimated at around half billion euros annually”. The media extends the emphasis on the financial aspect by providing us with numbers gathered by the Police Department during the year; numbers that refer to hundreds of fines collected by illegal sex workers: “they are setting back the budget by hundreds of millions of dollars”. And to make it all spectacular... or maybe entertaining... we even get to read a little enumeration of a few workers who hold records in fines and yet are back on the streets – in a joking tone that I still can’t figure out what is supposed to suggest. There is no mention of human trafficking, of violence against women, of the rights and safety of sex workers, their integrity and dignity. No mention of the factors that determine these people to earn their living by practicing an illegal and dangerous activity or of the health and safety risks they are exposed to. No mention of all the other issues related to the bigger picture of a world where sexual exploitation, drug addiction, homelessness and poverty are all chained in a web from which - in most cases - death represents the only way out. No mention of any of the real issues that are behind this phenomenon. And since the voices of those chosen to represent and lead the country, along with the media, can afford to be amused or joke about this issue, should it be any wonder that the only plausible premise for legalization of prostitution in Romania is the financial one, namely the profits the state might gain from it? Even though the reality that forces societies to change legislations and mentalities around prostitution is exactly the desire to end abuse and create a safer space for those who sell sex, the Romanian government is mainly concerned about how the state could better profit from sexual exploitation and presents the issue to the public opinion in a diverted, amused tone.

In such a context, if prostitution does become legal, I can easily imagine that the change it will bring to Romanian society will probably have nothing to do either with Human Rights, care and protection of those afflicted or with changing mentalities, ending abuse and sexism, but rather with changing the name of the abuser who collects the taxes. And since the money will go to the state budget that big segments of society benefit from, maybe the general opinion will say “yes to legalization” and happily claim their share of this dirty profit brought by abuse and exploitation.

no recess

Sometimes I have these moments when I just want my mind to pause, to lie down and relax: not to draw shapes, thoughts and ideas, not to analyze or focus, not to listen, not to move, nor imagine, or confront, neither to care... i want to stop. Pause in a little moment of emptiness. I want to be relaxed without guilt pointing at my face. I want to be enough for once..


Today we got my plane ticket to Romania: 2nd of April 2007; my name spelled wrong again – I must say that is a genuine combination that I haven’t seen before, 5 letters taken by 5... there still are plenty of combinations left...

Hmm... I don’t know why my ticket is with a month later return to Dublin though. Is that a little escaping door that fate left open for me... or do they really want me back by may? :P

...t-t-turnaround

I’m glad I didn’t run away and I’m glad I didn’t do as planned yesterday. Should I be afraid to say? I don’t know but I’m happy I didn’t give it up. I like this now and i also seem to like what comes out of it; tonight I was impressed to see it’s not just the skin that’s soft but also the first dig into the core seems to be more then I expected. If I’d have patience, it could mould into a nice connection that I might not feel the need to define, box, shape, size, imagine, hope or dream. I will just quietly add another and another piece as long as I’m content with what I see.

I promised I’d bare in mind all the past; when what I wanted dried my lips then drowned me in sadness. I will not forget, I will struggle not to let go, not again, not the same, not one more time.

schizophrenia

I: Ok, this constant incapability to take hold of these unrealistic feelings is really irritating me. I just drag myself down into uneasiness again and again like an addict who can’t help touching the killing substance, while totally aware it will only lead to a destructive end.

7: You know there’s always a catch if you fall in love! A fucking cancer, a tumour that bites you from inside-out! It’s the drug that first makes you high and then worthless and useless! You worked at this for over 6 months; you built back confidence, self-respect... happiness! You’re chasing ghosts again, fucker! No one can love you that way, it’s not for you, you’re not good enough for anyone, you’re just a piece of dirt on a muddy boot! And now you cry...

I: I don’t want to go back in that... please God give me strength to let it go... please keep me safe, please help me control myself... please stop my imagining and hoping and dreaming... please stop...

7: You shouldn’t have started it in the first place! You’re going down again just like you did before that summer. And you know what the cynicism in it is? - you can’t let it go because you always hope for something to be different and finally for a happy ending.

coolness

Incep sa fiu satula de lucrurile de aici. Ma bucur ca proiectul nu este de fapt mai lung de 6 luni.

Ieri in club in Dublin iar m-am distrat aproape de una singura. E putin penibil. In ceea ce priveste fetele, incep sa cred ca singura bariera care exista este creata de mine si constituie distanta pe care o pastrez fata de ele pentru ca ma simt inconfortabil sa imi exprim atractia fata de cineva. Nu imi dau seama daca este timiditate sau doar neincredere in mine. De fiecare data, primul lucru pe care il aud in mintea mea este: “ce ar putea sa ii placa la tine?, you’re weird, you’re not cool, you’re not sexy, you’re no fun!”.

Ma simt tot mai alienata de mediul social si din ce in ce mai mult ca un freak neadaptat. Stau ancorata intr-un univers care a devenit spatiul safe in care prefer sa ma retrag atunci cand mediul exterior este inconfortabil. La fel atunci cand exista o tensiune intre ceea ce asvrea sa exprim si ceea ce exprim de fapt. Mi-am format un sistem de gandire incompatibil cu realitatea. A fi weird, diferit, original si spontan era cool in mediul in care am crescut si atunci gustam libertatea de a nu trebui sa ma prefac. Ma simt inhibata de dorinta mea de a fi cool, de a fi placuta si apreciata. Ma simt frustrata de incapacitatea de a ma face cool, placuta si apreciata pentru ca nu vreau nici sa devin cineva pe care sa nu mai recunosc. As vrea ca ei sa ma placa asa cum sunt... sau sa imi placa lucrurile care pentru ei sunt cool. Am obosit si simt ca am pierdut ritmul trend-ului.

feminism “made in China”

I have a friend who just returned from 3 weeks in New Zealand. Together with tons of stories and beautiful pictures of forests, mountains and valleys, she brought me a little feminist magazine: MUSE - “a Wellington based zine that aims to provide space for the voices of young feminist women in Aotearoa New Zealand”. Reading it was almost a mystical experience as it seems so foreign and exotic to know that this little fanzine comes from this far-away land that I didn’t actually know anything about. So I am kind of having first hand experience with certain issues that I usually only mention as general theoretical facts (like “rest of the world” or “Asia”) and don’t really have knowledge about. I realize more and more how European-centered I have grown. I realize how my open-mindness is still shyly buzzing under a thick blanket of self-centrism, self-importance, and self-indulgence, by now already arrived as “intrinsic” in our western civilization. The struggles expressed by women writing articles in MUSE are not only geographically on the other side of the planet but also poles apart from what we struggle with. And I realize that my fight for equality and justice can, without any intent or knowledge, easily become an enemy to the fight for equality and justice of other women situated in these “far away” foreign places. Like a butterfly effect... caused mostly by lack of awareness of these “exotic” experiences, cultures and political views.

One of them talks about how Asian women’s experience in feminist spaces has often been entirely focused on the analysis of sex and gender and how they often felt that “the dynamic between non-white women and white women is not talked about much”. Also how “even less discussed is the impact that liberal white women’s rights have had [and probably still do have] on non-white women”.

For example, one important western feminist issue is the fight for women’s right to work outside the home. I always considered that one of the core issues of feminism that contributes to the end of women’s exploitation. Honestly, it never occurred to me that this may not be a common international issue and approach of feminism. And it could apply to our white (western) society and culture, but that doesn’t make it global. And I read now how “[Asian women] may not be fighting for [their] right to work outside the home, because many of [them] already do” that for a long time: they work in factories in minimum wage jobs. Some clean white rich people’s houses since liberation of white women had taken them out to work together with men.

And sometimes our white judgemental minds raise an eyebrow at the sound of a feminist woman not supporting that core fight of equality. Even if she comes from a different culture or geographic region, I wonder how many of us care to understand her reasons for not considering our goals and fights an example of good practice. Instead of listening, many of us would feel offended by such remarks and just shut down their enthusiasm towards her and her “far away” issues that won’t make sense.

Now I’m thinking of how many times I checked the labels of the products I bought and found written on them the familiar “Made in China”, or other Asian countries that I might not even know where to locate on the map. It’s true that lately every time I read that, I have in my mind some dramatic picture of women that are exploited by a system that cares more about industry then people. A lot of them are probably working for under wage so that I can be happy to buy a “cheap” pair of socks, or shoes or a t-shirt.

The whole Europe is blooming with such products. We buy those things because they are “cheap”, or because we don’t make political statements when we’re out shopping, or we believe that encourages capitalist growth in developing countries; sometimes because they are the only option on the market or maybe we just can’t give them up ...and that’s it! But outrageously disgusting is to check the labels of the clothes in the big corporations’ stores... for example, the clothes we buy at exorbitant prices and are still made through exploitation of those Asian (mostly) women that might not be “feminist enough” for us when tackling politics. I wonder how many of the white feminists from the Western world check the labels of the products they want to buy. And how many decide not to buy them anymore because “they care for a better world for women”... and after all, for how many “that world” includes “ALL WOMEN”.

Then, “in the quest for equal gender opportunities within the workplace, I would question whether the mission for some white feminist women is to join white men on the capitalist ladder of privilege and monetary gain, as opposed to challenging the power held by mainly rich white men and exerted over women of all ethnicities as well as poor people across the world”.


“For me as a queer Asian woman living in Aotearoa, resisting assimilation, actively resisting racism and white supremacy, challenging class elitism, dismantling capitalism that degrades people and the land, and decolonizing myself and my community are all feminist issues.”